Just One More Time

So I can't sleep...... way too many thoughts circling my mind, and sleep isn't one of them. Jack's sweet friend, Abbie, died last night after a really long, hard battle with cancer. And the 2 things that keep repeating in my head are "WHY?!?!" and "I HATE CANCER!" Yes, hate is a strong word...... and I mean every single letter of it. H.A.T.E. It took my grandmother. It's taken millions of other people in this world. And it took sweet Abbie last night. And the only thing I want to do is cry. So how does her mother feel? I can. not. imagine. I was bathing Caroline tonight, and I just burst into tears. But I couldn't help it. All I could think about was how badly Brandie wants to bathe her baby - just one more time. Then I was laying by her in the bed and she said "I want to snuggle with you." And so we snuggled and she put her little face right beside mine, and all I could think was how badly Brandie must want to hear those words in her sweet little voice and snuggle her baby's face - just one more time. And then she fell asleep with her hand in mine and her fingers are so soft and perfect. And all I could think was how much Brandie must want to hold her hand - just one more time. I do not know in a million years how someone loses a child the way she did. I have no idea how you sit down and hear "there's nothing more we can do" and then you go home and plan out your child's last months of life. How does that conversation even happen?? How do you ever go to sleep? I would just constantly sit and stare and hold and hug and rock and kiss and snuggle and sing and pray and dance and tickle and laugh...... and cry. My heart is absolutely broken for Brandie. And all of her other family too because I know they loved her just as much. But I know Brandie will make it through this because thousands of people before her have done it. I know Abbie was special in her own way and to so many people, but she wasn't "special" or "rare" - this happens to kids EVERY. DAY. And that's the part that makes me angry. That's the part that confuses me. Why do children get taken away from us? Why Abbie? Why Tucker? Why Pee Wee or Sarah Summers? How is it right or good for sweet, innocent, precious children to die? And if you tell me it's to teach us some lesson, I might just slap you - so don't. You can look up all kinds of scripture or motivational quotes or whatever you want to look up, but you won't find an answer. You'll find something that makes you think you understand. You'll find something that will temporarily ease the pain. But you won't find a real answer because it's not there. The only one who knows the answer isn't going to give it to us the way we want it. He's going to give us the opportunities to share our faith and strengthen each others' faiths so that one day we'll be in his kingdom and see those we've lost on earth. And I'm just going to have to accept that as an "answer" and trust that it's true. That's why we call it faith, right? But in the meantime, before I leave for a show, I'm going to kiss Caroline's cheek just one more time. And I'll sing her bedtime songs just one more time. And I'll push her on the swing just one more time. And Caroline burying ME 60 or so years from now is what I'll pray for - just one more time.