Will Power

So here's the "skinny" on me. Growing up, I was always a big kid. I wasn't exceptionally obese or anything, don't get me wrong. But I wasn't tiny either. I was always taller than the other kids and just generally bigger. Now let me preface this with - no one in my family or my friends ever made me feel bad about myself or made fun of me for my size. It was something I placed on myself because of what I thought I was supposed to look like. I wanted to be the short, petite, skinny girl that I saw on tv and in magazines. I just did. So when puberty hit me earlier than everyone else, it sure didn't help. Because not only was I already bigger, but Heaven forbid! - I now had boobs. Every little girl's worst nightmare. Puberty really is a cruel thing for most kids. So I decided that I was tired of being bigger than everyone (as if I had control over their lack of growth), and I'm pretty sure that for the entire 8th grade, I never ate breakfast or lunch. Never. I ate dinner at home, but only because I knew my parents would notice if I didn't. Don't misunderstand - I wasn't some crazy anorexic or bulemic child. I was smart enough to know better than that, but also knew that I couldn't keep eating the way I was if I wanted to lose weight. This is where my good friend Will Power was born. I was determined to be thinner and I developed an iron-clad, rigid ability to control my weight. I would drink, but not eat. And it worked. Was it smart? Hell no. Probably one of the dumbest things I ever did, which I know now. But at the time, it worked. I dropped all the "baby fat" that still remained on my body and finally felt like I fit into the mold that I thought I should fit into. I was a size 4 by the 9th grade and stayed that way for most of high school. It was easy to stay thin once I had achieved the goal. I think I was a size 6 when I graduated from high school. And then along came college. Now I didn't immediately gain the "freshman 15" like everyone talks about. But I did, over the course of 4 years, gain weight. When I got married, I think I was a size 10, and I finally was disgusted with what I had gained in college. So I once again reconnected with my trusty 'ole friend Will Power. For 2 years I went on a no-carb, low-carb diet. I dropped it all again. And my will power was solid - no cheating, no secret eating, just pure, hard-core will power. Back down to a size 4 or 6, we moved to Alabama. I stopped the carb dieting, because let's face it - who can live their whole life without bread???? I freakin' love bread and I missed it. I don't care what anyone says - sandwich ingredients stuck between two pieces of lettuce is just not good. Period. However, I did continue with healthy eating habits. I tried vegetarian for a while. I ate fruits and veggies as snacks instead of chips and candy. I cooked healthy meals at home instead of eating out. I never ate anything fried, always baked or grilled. And I exercised regularly. My will power was incredibly strong for several years. And my bathing suit days were great. Aaaaaaand then along came Caroline. Hello Baby - Goodbye Will Power. Learning to be a mom takes all the strength a person has. It really does. And once the "baby weight" was gone I just didn't feel like I had the time or the energy to be healthy anymore. So for the past 4 years, I've been just absolutely lazy. I'd put forth a half-assed effort every now and then to attempt to lose some weight, but I just couldn't seem to find my determination or drive to do anything about it for good. However, I have recently found my friend again. Oh, Will Power, how I've missed you!! I have been eating better, but mostly I've found the determination to exercise more regularly. I've learned (since junior high) that I'm not someone who really does well by limiting myself on what I eat. I get burned out and go right back to what I was doing before. I also have no desire to exist on milkshakes or frozen dinners. I like to eat. If I want french fries, I'm going to eat them. But now I have the knowledge and drive to know that those fries just mean extra time on the treadmill. So if it's not worth it to me at the time, I don't eat them. If it is, I dig in. And it really is just that easy. So many people feel the need to have some gimmick to help them lose weight. And to get yourself jump-started, sometimes that's true. I've done weight watchers and for a while it helped. But mostly it helped me pay attention and understand what I was putting into my body. After I figured it out, that $20 a month was a waste. I've also done "South Beach" and "Slim-Fast" and "starve yourself," but the bottom line is: calories in and calories out. Simple. I've exercised regularly for almost 3 weeks now and it's been great. I don't even know how much weight I've lost because that's not what matters. What matters is how I feel, how I look, and how my clothes fit me. Muscle weighs more than fat, so if my actual weight doesn't change, but my thighs are toned - I don't really care what the scale says. I've greatly missed the feeling I have when my will power is in place. I'm sure some psychologist will say it's a "control issue" and that may be true. But either way, I'm controlling my weight instead of letting my stomach do all the decision making. I hope to run the 4 mile marathon at our church in a few weeks, though I may have to walk some of it. But I think having that goal has helped. It's given me something to look forward to - something I can accomplish and be proud of. I'm just a happier person when I exercise and eat right. And consequently, I'm healthier. It's a win-win situation.