The Soccer Net

So this post is probably going to upset some people or they'll totally disagree with what I have to say. And once again - I don't care. :-) It's my blog. Read at your own risk. Let me say before I begin, that I am well aware that I have never personally raised a teenager. However, it wasn't so long ago when I was one (I'm not THAT old) and I have an incredibly close relationship with my own teenagers in my family. (If you haven't figured it out yet, my family is like a nice, clean version of the mafia. We're tightly knit. Mess with one, mess with all.) So anyway, I don't want anyone to say "well she doesn't know - she's never raised a teen before." Most of what I'm about to say comes from my own experiences in life, which are what shaped the way I plan to raise my future teen. So my issue comes with incredibly rigid, ultra right-winged, uber-strict parenting. My parents were different from a lot of parents when I grew up. I had a large variety of friends all throughout my childhood. Most of the same tight-knit, close friends, but I had a lot of "school friends" or acquaintances as we grown-ups call them. When I sit back now and look at what types of behavior was exhibited from a lot of these people, I find it interesting to compare it to what their parents preached in their household. Most of the kids who ended up being "bad" - i.e. drinking, smoking, lying to their parents, sneaking out, partying, screwing around, or just general bad behavior - had parents who were SUPER strict, and ultra religious. Coincidence? I think not. Then I think about the kids who were good, normal kids - not necessarily angels (let's face it- we've all done stupid stuff as kids), but good kids in general. And their parents were much more trusting, gave their kids freedom and independence, and never inflicted stupid rules about things that weren't that important. My parents always said "we trust you until you give us a reason not to." I had the choice to retain my freedom and independence or lose it. I fully believe that boundaries are wonderful, rules are necessary. But the way they are presented to a teenager is the key. A friend of mine's mother recently gave the most perfect analogy for giving rules to a teen. She said "a teenager's boundaries should be like a soccer net. The net exists, but it's flexible. It's not a brick wall, but it's also not invisible." They have to know that there are rules and boundaries for general things that are right and wrong. If you don't want your child to drink at a party and get drunk and drive home - great! That's a wonderful rule. But don't act like alcohol is some super-taboo, untouchable possibility until they're 21. They WILL be in a position before they're 21 to be offered alcohol - bet your life on it. If not, they're a recluse. Here's how it went in my family: my parents never acted like drinking was this "big deal." I saw my dad drink a beer here and there as a child, or watched my mom have a margarita at the Mexican restaurant. Were my parents alcoholics or inappropriate? Never. But when I was 12 or 13 and wanted to know what beer tasted like, he gave me a sip. And guess what? It was the nastiest thing I had ever tasted in my whole life! My young taste buds thought "why would anyone ever want to drink that crap??" But it wasn't held above my head as some "untouchable No-No." My point is this- if you make it some big deal, they're only going to want to try it more. So let them try it in the safety of your supervision. Give them a taste of what seems like so much "fun" and show them that it's really no big deal. Don't misunderstand - my parents never handed me a bottle of beer or a glass of wine and said "go ahead!" I knew I had to be legal before I could actually drink. But they also didn't act like drinking was a big deal. They always told me that if I ever decided that I wanted to know what being drunk was like, I could do it in my own house by myself with their supervision. But when I got sick and threw my guts up, they weren't holding my hair back. They assured me that being drunk was not like it seemed in the movies. So the desire, the thrill, the glamour, whatever you want to call it - was taken away. When all those "strict" kids were saying "OOOHHHHHH! We got beer!! Want some?" You know what I said? "Hell no, I've had beer and that crap is nasty." Then, not only did I get to "save face" in the face of peer pressure, but I was also able to walk away from a potentially harmful situation. There was no glamour behind it for me. Nothing about those kids drinking beer made me think they were cool or wish I could hang out with them. There are so many situations that need to be handled on a case-by-case basis when you're dealing with teenagers. You cannot put up a brick wall of rules because all you're going to do is end up running right into it, and brick walls hurt. If I said "Can I go to the mall with blah, blah, and blah?" The answer was generally yes, as long as I had nothing else to do. And the question every time I asked permission to do something was always "Who is going and when are you planning to be back?" As long as my answers were acceptable and reasonable, then permission was granted. Soccer net. Now if I had said "I'm going to a bar in Jackson and I'll be back at 2 a.m." I quite obviously would have been told no. But because most of the things I asked to do were allowed - I understood that when my parents said "NO" there was a good reason and arguing wasn't changing anything. The reason was never "because that's the rule." The rules were based on every situation. If every time your kid asks to do something and you say "No" because it violates some rule that's set in stone then the word "no" starts to have no meaning. Your 16 year old says "Can I go to Jane's house to watch a movie tonight?" "NO - it's a school night and that's the rule!" Well so what? What if her homework was finished and she was just going to sit on your couch and watch TV anyway? What's the difference if she sits on her friend's couch for a couple of hours instead? The "school night" rule is a brick wall. And it's way more harmful than helpful. A better situation would have been "Is your homework done?" (yes) "Ok but be home by 9:30 since you have school tomorrow." Allowing their request while still creating a boundary. Soccer net. I don't plan to write up a list of rules for my teenager. The only rigid rules I was ever given only pertained to my safety. Don't drink and drive. Don't do drugs. Don't get into a car with a drunk driver. Don't drive too fast. Your basic safety rules that every kid should have. So if you want to set up a laundry list of stuff you kid can't do, go ahead. Just be prepared for a lot of arguments, a good bit of rebellion, and a kid that hates your guts. My child will know that I trust her judgement (that I taught her) until she gives me reason not to. That she can do just about anything within reason as long as I know where, when, and with whom. And that her safety is my number one concern. So you go ahead and build that brick wall. As for me and my family, we'll take the soccer net.