The Gift of Sleep

Ok - I generally dislike those moms who say "my gifted child...." It's just kinda nauseating.  And so please don't take me as one of "those" moms when you read this because this has absolutely nothing to do with me being proud of my child's intelligence level.  This post has everything to do with me being elated at my recent discovery and wanting to share it with anyone else who has a child with advanced intelligence who may feel lost or defeated when it comes to bedtime.
  So let's rewind just a little bit.  Caroline has always been a child who went to bed later than most other children I know.  I hear mothers say "our kids are asleep by 7:30" and I want to A: Punch them in the face and B: Scream "how the hell do you DO that?!?!?"  I have always known Caroline was advanced since her pediatrician warned me not to compare any future children we had against her.   However, falling asleep at night has always been a struggle.  First, I blamed myself for not letting her "cry it out" as a younger infant and fall asleep in her own bed. And let's face it: I was simply a soft-hearted wimp who couldn't bear it.  Then I blamed it on our "lifestyle" that we were accustomed to and that she had to learn how to survive in. The world of a band director means late night football games, late night concerts, and just late nights in general if Daddy is ever to see us after practice.  Early bedtime was never really an option for us on a consistent basis.  As she got older though, she was never able to transition to falling asleep in her own bed. She always needed me to lay with her until she fell asleep.  But it seemed like there was always an "excuse" from her.  It was always an argument, always one more thing she needed to do.  There were nights when we would get in bed and it would be 2 hours or more before she would finally fall asleep (and then she ended up in our bed around 4 a.m. anyway). "I can't keep my eyes closed."  "I can't fall asleep!"  And my logical brain wanted to scream "You've been awake since 7:00 am, had NO nap, and you're 4 years old - you HAVE to be tired!!"  I took everything she was saying to me just as an excuse. We've all given those excuses for our kids avoiding sleep, haven't we? They think they'll miss something. They want to keep playing. They woke up late, so they're just not tired yet.  Every excuse in the book - I used it.  Every night I tried to figure out a reason WHY.  So I eventually gave up, conceded to the fact that she would never go to bed earlier than 9:00, and figured I would eventually get to sleep when she was 12. So for years, this has continued.  It wasn't until recently during a conversation with a friend that it finally clicked. We were discussing bedtime, and I mentioned how much of a struggle it is at our house.  She said her son - who is also "gifted"- had the exact same struggles.  That same night, Caroline said to me at bedtime - in tears- "Mommy it just feels like there's 2 people in my head and they're always talking to each other!"  She was trying to say "my brain won't turn off."  I talked to her and helped her verbalize what she really meant, and that was it - she just couldn't stop thinking.  As I thought about it a little while, I decided to just Google "gifted kids, trouble sleeping" and WOAH.  Now- let's remember- I am a teacher by profession.  I have a degree.  I learned everything they taught me.  And no one EVER taught me this.  I never took gifted certification classes, and those teachers may have known this. But they sure never passed it along to me or anyone else I've discussed this with since I found this information.  There is substantial research that indicates that children of higher intelligence CAN have trouble falling asleep and that they actually may require less sleep than normal children. Not ALL gifted children, but many.  I found this website to be the most mom-friendly and helpful.  http://www.raisinglifelonglearners.com/gifted-children-need-less-sleep/    It's not scientific, it's just logical.  Which made me feel dumb at first.  Many of the suggestions are things I HAVE tried in the past.  But it's almost like truly knowing WHY something is happening allows you more understanding in a situation where you previously just felt tense and frustrated.  For example: one thing she says is that just the sheer mention of "bedtime" or saying "it's time to go to sleep" can stress out a gifted child to the point that they argue and fight you without really knowing why- it's just their reaction.  So here's what I've done with Caroline for the past week and a half:
First, I made her a clock that tells her exactly when it's time to do what.  It's not on the website I listed, but gifted kids also thrive with structure. And while I'm very organized, I try not to overplan her time at home.  She's a kid and I don't want to stress her out more with schedules.  However, I think the uncertainty of bedtime and when she is allowed to do certain things was stressful for her without me realizing it.  So I made this.

It's just a simplified version of one I saw on Pinterest. The categories are slightly generic so it's not TOO structured, but it gives her a guideline.  It was super cheap and easy to make. The clock cost me $4.88 at Wal Mart and I cut up cardstock I already had. Voila!  No more guessing about when it's time to do what.  

The next tip I used from that website as previously mentioned is not using the word "bedtime" or "go to sleep."  I say it's time to relax and snuggle.  She knows this means we're getting in the bed, but we're going to just hang out and relax.  This has proven to be one of the most helpful tips I've implemented.  It's like the pressure of "trying" to sleep is gone.  

Next, the site suggested calming bottles (glitter glue, water, and whatever else you want to put in- Pinterest) so we made some.  They are just something for her to hold and move around without being loud or over-stimulated.

They're mesmerizing, even to my old brain.  She plays with them while we talk about the day.  One interesting fact I learned from this is that gifted kids won't ever tell you anything about their day when you ask DURING the day because their brains just can't slow down enough to process it.  But at night, that's when they want to talk to you.  This used to drive me crazy about her- "why do you want to talk to me NOW?? You've had ALL DAY!" But it's because that's when their brains need to slow down and they need to unload all of the thoughts swimming in their minds.  So we use that last hour of the night to just chat.  And it has been wonderful.  Instead of me commanding her to be still, be quiet, and close her eyes for 2+ hours, we PLAN to lay there and talk and snuggle for an hour. And then at 9:00 I say "ok it's time to be quiet."  The FIRST night that we did this, she was asleep in 10 minutes.  TEN. MINUTES.  I almost cried.  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my body.  For whatever reason, this process helped her brain transition into sleeping without the stress and tension of before.  And the next morning I woke up and realized she was still in her own bed. I had slept ALL NIGHT.  Thank you, sweet baby Jesus!
The next piece of info that was helpful to me was the fact that these children may require less sleep than other children, which made me feel all kinds of better.  There were many nights when she would cry and tell me that she was just not tired. My mommy brain always felt like she needed 10 or so hours of sleep, which led me to forcing her to lay there and attempt sleep.  But knowing that these children really just don't need as much sleep was so comforting to me, and I felt like I was off the guilty hook.  We're always trying to do the "right" thing as Moms and kids needing sleep is one of those.  I guess this information has just helped me feel better about the whole situation and has given me the tools to help her achieve sleep in a less stressful way.  While we all know that the gifted brain works differently than normal brains, it never occurred to me that it could affect their sleep. And we all know that bedtime routines are incredibly helpful - but it has to be the RIGHT one.  Classic routines of bath/story/prayers don't work for these kids all the time.  I just never stopped to put 2 and 2 together.  I'm so grateful that what I thought was a coincidence between 2 gifted children led me to information that fully backed my suspicions and taught me so much about my child and how her brain works.  I feel like fog has been wiped from my glasses and I can see my child in a whole new way.  Tonight's process is really what led me to share all of this.  We chatted and snuggled and then I remembered I needed to iron my clothes. So I told her to just lay there and relax and I'd be back in a few minutes.  When I returned, she had fallen asleep without me. YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!
So, some of you reading this are probably saying "You moron, I've known this for years!" Well, I didn't, and that probably means there are others who don't either. So if this helps just one person to better understand their gifted child's sleep problems, then that's all that matters.  Because I wish someone had told me this years ago.  I don't know how many hours of better sleep my child might have gotten if I had known this earlier, but it doesn't matter now. What matters is that she's currently asleep, in her own bed, did it on her own, and won't budge until morning.  The gift of sleep has finally returned to my life! Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!